Cranky. Old. Man?

hi

2024-07-26T18:13:52Z

Where do I even begin.

I've long since forgotten how to do any form of html for entries, so I'm relying on the rich text editor to help, so bear with me here. This year's entry (seems to be about the pace I do?) is not going to be the most fun out of them.

TW: Parental health scares

( Read more... )

Other discoveries and news:

- So I'm low support needs autistic, which only surprises me. I knew something was up other than you know, anxiety and trauma, but that was not on my bingo card if I can be frank. It certainly helps in how to set some things up though. Doesn't excuse as much as somewhat explain some of the ways I have been a dick in the past.

- Getting a bit more plugged into some ethical fashion groups not only helps with my shopping, but also with a tiny corner of wanting to do something a bit better against consumerism. Though to be fair I never was quite that bad at it, it's still nice to discover. Let me know if you want any recs or suggestions, I'm happy to provide.

- Shin Megami Tensei V: Vengeance is a really great improvement on the base game. If you were wondering.

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Cyclical Thoughts

2022-02-14T17:57:19Z

I'm sitting in a remote aromatherapy class that work offered (they offer so many random classes) and thinking about some essay-writing and various crafts I have in progress. I've got a "career goals" document sitting on one of my monitors and a study that someone else is handling the logistics of happening later this week.

I don't think I've fully recovered from the burnout I had reached at my last job, but I feel the most on the way to being in a healthy stasis than I have in months.

I got a moon calendar this year along with the standard linear time one, because since I've gone fully remote with work and have decided to stop trying to be extra productive when I just don't feel the energy I've just really vibed more with cyclical thinking. It's a really privileged position to be in, and even then bad days will still happen. But I feel like they're less devastating.

I'm looking forward to Spring. Going for walks with the dog has me wondering if I want to take up running again (haven't done that since I was a teenager, so no idea how that'll go). I've done more hand-sewing and it's gotten to the point that my stitches are coming out smaller and more even. Wife has been keeping our plants alive until we can put them outside. I've made so many soups and the shots of fire cider actually have helped with some of the malaise.

Hope y'all are also able to get some rest and plan for Spring.

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The not serious thoughts

2020-01-04T04:43:37Z

Because I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention what more fun things I’ve been up to.

Fic:

Even Lands We Once Called Home (9637 words) by crankyoldman
Chapters: 3/3
Fandom: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Vincent Valentine/Veld, Elfé & Veld
Characters: Elfé (Compilation of FFVII), Vincent Valentine, Veld (Compilation of FFVII)
Additional Tags: happy anniversary we both forget, Family Dynamics, Not Beta Read, it has been so long since i've written, Abuse of italics, this ends optimistically, because sometimes you deserve respite
Summary:

When all you have is time, tell stories. Or; another take on family relations.

A Philosopher Cannot Live Without Her Blood (1693 words) by crankyoldman
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Talos Principle (Video Game)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Alexandra Drennan
Summary:

A history of games, or how Alex Drennan learned to learn.

Games I played and (mostly) finished:

- Soul Caliber VI: Played nearly all of the story parts during the last days of this year. It’s so fun and ridiculous.

- Nier: Automata: I can’t believe it took me this long to play it! It’s brutal, in a lot of ways, but I loved it.

- Far Cry 5: I’m total trash for this series and have yet to play the DLC, but there’s a lot of catharsis in this game for me.

- Octopath Traveler: One of those nostalgia JRPG games that actually works because it’s beautiful and the stories are interesting (and ballsy).

- Forget Me Not: My Organic Garden: A creepy little Steam game best played on a tablet computer. It was so relaxing and weird I had to mention it.

- LEGO DC Villains: SO FUN. The storyline actually was super clever and Mark Hamill Joker is really the beat one.

- Shadow of the Tomb Raider. ARROWS. Also interesting character work!

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Oh gods, I archived the internet

2019-09-29T18:22:05Z

So, due to a series of hilarious events, I discovered that I archived a lot of stuff I created, and some fanart from like roughly 2005-2007? As well as some hilarious pictures of me being young(tm) and generally some fun and complex memories.

Like I have a photobucket account still, y'all. And my fandom (aka: not my real name) google account has massive amounts of random fanart I saved because... the cloud didn't really exist? I know why I kept some of it, but a lot of it is puzzling and a wonderful exercise in personal archaeology.

I know I'm not particularly old (I turn 35 in 2020), but since everyone's remastering or remaking or otherwise cashing in on the complexity of growing up on the internet, here's the stuff I found that is best for sharing with old fans like me that thought things may have been lost to the internet.

Also, nearly all the fanart is uncredited, unless I made a note because I knew the artist, I'm so sorry. As such, don't go sharing willy-nilly any art unless you can credit the artist, please.

( links links links )

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I will read your stuff

2015-09-18T14:38:38Z

Ok folks. Since I'm making it a goal to do more reading in addition to making stuff, I want to know what you want me to read. It doesn't have to be good. It doesn't have to be long. If it's fanfic of a fandom I don't know it might be a little hard for me, but I'm willing to at least give it a shot. Maybe you can give me a little background what it's from?

Hell it can be any art. If you made it, I want to see it.

But I want to read it, I want to read it where you want me to read it, and I want to leave a comment. So throw me links. I can leave concrit if you want or just something happy, whatever you want. I will leave SOMETHING positive, at the very least.

If you feel like you want to do something in return, then cool. If not, that's also cool. I just want to read/see some stuff and comment on it. And I'd rather you tell me where to start, because you might be in a messy state of creation and I know how that goes.

Hell feel free to share this with friends, I'll cut it off when I've hit peak recs. XD Just don't rec someone else's work. Rec your own. Invite me to a gdoc. Take a phone pic. I don't care how I get it.

(This is brought on by wanting to practice what I preach, also being less of a hermit)

*Caveat: It has to be in a free format of some kind. You don't have to send me your whole book that you have up for sale, I can read some of it and if I like it, I'll probably buy it at some point. If it's super long and out on the webs I will at least leave a comment on the first chapter until I finish it, probably with commentary as I go along and am interested in things. I'm a fast reader but not light speed. I will do what I can. XD

*Caveat 2: If the grammar is all over the place, I'll say so, but I won't nitpick. I'm a reader, not an editor.

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It usually happens all at once

2015-08-17T17:28:42Z

Ha, so some things are going great, others are exploding.

Put in my two weeks notice a couple days ago at my part time job. It's just too much work, hours, energy for too little pay and I feel like I've done all I can there. I don't have something that immediately fills that pay, but I think I'll be able to get it to that level since my business partner/grad BFF has been getting our reputation pretty solid.

Of course, then her parents got hit by a couple of meth-heads while loading their car with groceries. They're alive, and stable, but that did a lot of damage. :< Going to be a lot of physical therapy and adjustments, I hope that I can help with what I can (and I have been given a few to dos which admittedly makes me feel better as I can DO something).

My dad also caught a mild case of pneumonia. Because he doesn't know how to retire. Dad, retire. Hilariously found out about this with a pleasant email from my mother. The tone was such that it sounded like they'd just taken a stroll, not gone to the emergency room at 6am.

Now I have to sew a scarf. And clean the house. Hopefully this next two weeks goes fast.

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Boosting!

2014-12-30T15:09:34Z

Friend is offering a three card draw and extras for donations towards his top surgery!

He will also write for you if card draws are not your thing.

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FOR SCIENCE (er Design)

2014-02-11T15:40:42Z

Cosplayer friends! I'm heading into the next phase of cosplayer research for my capstone project. If you'd like to help, respond to this (screened) entry with answers to the questions below. Feel free to throw me other cosplayers' emails/send them to this entry (with their permission) too, I want a breadth of people! Some of you may be asked to continue with a longer interview, so let me know if that's a cool thing with you too (or if you'd rather just stick with answering these questions, also valid).

1. In general, what sort of characters do you cosplay? Any specific examples?

2. Are there any characters you wish you could cosplay that you feel you are unable to? Why? Any specific examples?

3. How would you describe your style out of cosplay?

4. Would you be willing to share a (public) internet social network profile? If so, link it.

5. Would you be willing to share a picture of you in cosplay? If so, attach/link it, please.

6.. Would you be willing to share a picture of you out of cosplay? If so, attach/link it, please.

Edited: Added one question. Because it is an obvious question I forgot. XD

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Fanfic?

2014-01-20T07:25:55Z

Despite news of my death as a writer, I still do it occasionally.

Much more sporadically than say, in undergrad, because grad school is kind of Hard Mode, but it happens sometimes. And probably because the semester just started and I'm procrastinating on finishing my portfolio site (let's face it; I'm a much better interaction designer than I am a website builder) I decided to take a trip into my google docs for my "fandom" email.

There's a hilarious amount of WIPs in there. If by hilarious you mean horrible. I'm clearly in the middle of a couple of trends:

- Giving nerdy and shy women sex lives in fic that are not blushingly virginal
- Making crossover fics with characters that look similar be related for comedic value
- Odd couple adventures (this has pretty much always been a thing)
- Original fiction?

At least it's all organized now. Tomorrow I should really get out of the house and go do something besides sort through things. Man.

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D&D Meme

2013-12-13T20:47:01Z

novel_machinist and I are those guys.

( is more hilarious after you read hers really )

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Currently

2013-11-24T03:39:33Z

I am wrapped up in my super sexy Audrey Hepburn fleece blanket (yes, I have one, it was a gift last Christmas) with my cat, playing Persona 3 Portable while listening to 8tracks fanmixes about I dunno dork shit I like.

I GUESS I REALLY MISSED THIS BECAUSE THIS IS CLEARLY THE BEST SATURDAY NIGHT EVER.

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Engineering is not a lottery ticket

2013-11-21T15:56:20Z

I don't know if I've talked about this much, because frankly it's taken me a while to process this and compare with experiences of other people. But I was reading yet another thing about how college grads have it hard finding work and yet another thing mentioned "unless your degree is in engineering or computer science, you're really not guaranteed a job".

Engineering degrees can in fact be just as problematic as any other degree, depending on the university you went to (mind I am talking about US institutions only as that is all I have experience with). In fact, once I'd come out of the haze that had been my undergrad years, I realized just how screwed I could have been had I not a) a willingness to take a risk and go to grad school because I have parents who are financially stable b) a willingness to leave a job that was essentially killing me in small measures.

( this got long )

Edit: Apparently xkcd thought it would be a good time to make a comic about networking in the most hilarious timing ever.

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PENIS ANALYZER

2013-10-07T01:50:11Z

What fandom needs.

It's a penis analyzer.

Based on names.

I am laughing so hard I am crying.

THE ANIMATED GRAPHS.

Type in Auron and Jecht for the most hilarious fucking thing ever I mean it.

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Easier Week

2013-10-01T05:36:48Z

So since our projects for my Week Long Intense Projects class are provided by external companies and one of them has too much shit going on to give us one? WE GET A WEEK OFF FOR THE CLASS.

Oh thank god, I needed that.

Gonna work on my portfolio site, sleep, read, browse shit? I dunno man, a lot of us were sitting around after Prototyping today, unsure of what to do since we didn't have like three group meetings scheduled.

First order of business: SLEEP.

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On world problems

2013-09-18T18:41:31Z

I am 100% convinced that connecting with other people is what is gonna save us.

Really.

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Last Year of Grad School

2013-08-14T12:56:08Z

I'm going to be starting my last year (provided I don't lose my mind and suddenly decide to get another masters or heaven forbid a DOCTORATE) in two weeks. I am vibrating with excitement, because I missed my cohort and know I have so much left to learn! But I am most excited about the prospects of bouncing some ideas off people, doing my capstone (which will hopefully involve cosplay and internet subcultures and how to talk to people). Taking GRAPHIC DESIGN.

This summer had a couple rough points. I had a complete breakdown at one point because OMG WHO WOULD HIRE ME since I've been doing an internship at a startup that can't expand right now. And I had to do a lot of reflection about that and probably came to the conclusion I may be a freelancer for a while.

Ultimately, I want to work in education again, but not as a teacher. I want to help teachers get the resources they need, help design engaging lesson plans, help them understand the tech at their disposal, help make tools for them. There's a big problem with kids dropping out of school in this city and I want to help reverse that (or if they drop out of traditional school, get them a viable alternative). I'm going to be talking with a few of my old teachers about where I can start gaining the knowledge/experience in this sort of thing. ~~I may have to start my own company?~~

This is really scary weird shit I am thinking about doing, but like, most tech for education people just get it so wrong. I don't want to end up making games for rich kids in their fancy computer labs or iPads or whatever. I don't want to make apps for rich dudes to add to their collection of shit they don't need.

If this major has taught me anything its that you really can do something good if you take the time to understand people. I'm thankfully engaged to a responsible adult who will help me work through all the financial stuff, as that will likely be the biggest hurdle.

I'm going to spend some real time building my portfolio of projects, doing things for friends so they can get some Real Designer Insight (at least hopefully I can provide that, I feel so much more confident now) and I can get some more "client work". Yeah I'll probably be making stuff for other people (not my friends of course) that I don't care as much about. But I know not to waste too much time.

Everything is kind of nebulous now but like.... that's ok. I got this.

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Two weeks

2013-08-05T15:36:10Z

Two weeks left in Columbus. Summer's ending and I have to pack up and head back to grad school soon. I'm excited, because I really do love my grad program, but I'm also more than a little sad. I really like my internship, and my lifestyle here. Didn't get as much hobby done as I would normally do, but then, I had a lot going on, adjustment-wise. It was good for the summer to focus on relationships and big questions and the future.

I know I'll be coming back here after I graduate.

In other good news, Ladyfriend and I saw Pacific Rim this weekend, which is perhaps my favorite world-ending movie since Independence Day (shut up, I really like optimistic movies that unite the world because of bad aliens ok? you can keep your grimdark if you want). It basically combines a couple of my favorite things; WWII-era aesthetics with giant fucking robots. It somehow manages to call on anime, monster movies, and kind of a smoosh of Carl Sagan-esque/Gene Roddenberry hopes/fears for humanity. I mean especially the whole "fight against extinction, but if you fight against each other you're DOOMED" themes. Ugh. I missed this in my science fiction. *continues to boycott Star Trek: Into Darkness*

Naturally, ladyfriend and I sort of got obsessed with the bickering ~~old married~~ scientists. No one is surprised. Especially considering one of them is hyperactive and covered in monster tattoos and the other is fussy and dresses like an old professor. Come on. Also, Stacker Pentacost gives me good adoptive badass dad feels.

In conclusion, I want to be Mako Mori when I grow up. Or I could settle for Tendo Choi.

Also this cover is both hilarious and awesome.

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Having a personal creative block

2013-07-18T15:09:58Z

At least, I think I am. I've been ruminating on this all morning, because well, I have free time now that I've been working. And while I've been doing a lot more creative stuff at this job, it's not you know, MINE exactly. And I find myself not wanting to do much at all in my free time.

Rest is good, of course, but am I just in a lazy mood... forever? I haven't felt the need to write, or sew, or even play around with graphics or anything outside of work. I just come home and watch TV and if I'm feeling extra with it I read a book or play a videogame. I was starting to think it was because I stared at a screen all day, but that just doesn't seem to be the case MOST days (some days, like yesterday where I spent an entire day in Illustrator on a hugeass flow diagram... that counts as needing a break).

Ladyfriend pointed this out, because well, my participation in anything hobby related has dwindled. It was within the context of fanfic and while I maybe thought that hobby was simply something I was no longer interested in, that's really not the case. I still get stupid excited over reading fic and seeing reviews and things...

Any of you sorts out there know how to pace your creative energy better between a job and hobbies? Am I becoming unable to concentrate or something? It's just really weird and I think that it's a little more than a simple "not feeling into it".

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My job is really awesome

2013-05-25T12:35:00Z

Like REALLY awesome. This is the best internship ever.

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Hannibal - THE TV SERIES?!

2013-04-06T04:19:11Z

omg this new show is everything I have ever wanted in terms of Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham backstory media ever. Also fucking amazing casting all around. But geez that was good.

I guess I found out just in time because the first ep aired yesterday and it's online on NBC and wow. I really needed this, this month is sooo much stress.

Yes I am a huge fan of the whole Hannibal Lecter mythos don't judge me instead of YA fiction as a teenager I had this.

It's been too long since I've been excited about a crime drama show.

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Lack of Imagination

2013-03-17T16:42:37Z

I do believe that one of the greatest problems we are facing in the human race these days is a lack of imagination.

And I don't mean the "oh look at my INDIVIDUALISM" hipsteristic type of imagination either. I mean being able to extrapolate and invent and create and all various other things. I don't blame people these days for being unable to be imaginative either; we live in a time of standardized tests and bullet point blog posts and reality television. We're being systematically trained to be Pavlovian and obedient and get rewarded when we parrot back information.

Keep in mind that I don't think we are all doomed. I do see the bright spots and I work with quite a few of them regularly. This is more me working through this in my head than anything.

Just remember that thinking outside the box is the default; people created the box in the first place. Try not to build too many boxes for yourselves, the world's gonna give you enough of them to fight with.

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DoingThings

2013-01-30T15:32:00Z

Last week was one of those weeks that was really intense and I'm glad I decided to not SUDDENLY TORONTO and do that to this week (half the cohort is in Toronto for a user experience convention). Job fair happened, which was very different from any other job fair I've ever done in that most of the people were legitimately looking for people in my program and we had to do a one-hour design challenge where the employers went around and questioned us and then watched us present our designs.

One company in particular interested me, as they are located where Ladyfriend lives, and they are small and dynamic and consulting-based, as opposed to being a large corporation simply maintaining products. Emailed after the job fair and got a pretty encouraging response; they are still deciding if they are going to take on an intern this summer, but the dude seemed interested in me. It didn't hurt that pretty much everyone in the cohort immediately thought that I would be perfect in this environment. Hopefully they are right!

This semester has noticeably more individual work, as we're not in Major Design Class, with some partnering up. It's not too bad. And one class is very artsy which is a lot of fun for me. In fact I took a lot of the pictures for my last assignment at Ohayocon. Hell I did two assignments and finished my web portfolio at Ohayocon. XD

Also tornadoes in January? What's up with that.

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Adventures in Associate Instruction

2013-01-10T16:57:26Z

So I'm an AI for a class on Social Networks.

I managed to lead a discussion on how Livejournal was taken over by Russians, how much the RP scene on Tumblr confuses me, and why Facebook is going to take over the world. With a slight detour into the Xbox Live community by a couple of gamer kids in the class, which I mentioned something about gaming communities before networked games. Also DeviantArt talk with a couple art kids.

I'm not too bad at this leading discussion thing. Then again, if I hadn't spent so much of my youth on the internet... XD

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Life in Pictures

2012-11-17T03:52:54Z

I cannot words. So much happening, so excited, so tired.

( so have some pictures instead )

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Community

2012-10-31T21:45:26Z

In some ways, I feel a little guilty I have not been active much at all in much goings on online. I can't say this hasn't been going on for a while; though during the last year of me working it wasn't because I had much of a community to speak of. I was mainly... emotionally exhausted. And I was going to things with online friends IRL a couple times a year, I felt like that was good.

I keep in decent amount of touch with some of you, and I try to make it a point to. That is the nature of friendship. But as you have seen with how communities change and evolve--it is not because people in general have gotten stupider, or the proliference of one type of technology for another is to blame. But there are phases in a life a person goes through.

I have to say that I am happy I don't need fandom anymore like I used to, when there was no community for me. Not to sound ungrateful or make fun of anyone in that place either. I like and enjoy it. But I am not the same lonely young person I was five or six years ago, and before that. And it's not that I've "outgrown" it. I've changed with it, integrated parts into IRL and whatnot.

Part of that is due to online communities. Which gave me a sense that I could not be a perpetual outsider. Now I can feel confident enough to try with people in other situations. I can sustain real relationships.

I can only hope that each of you find that you don't need it at some point. There's a lot out there in the world which is awful, but there is a lot out there that is beautiful. Amazing. Find someone, something, somewhere, lots of things.

Anyway, I'm thinky about this because of the project I'm working on now (which I have so much hope and love for and we haven't even completely narrowed it down to a coherent problem statement!)

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