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crankyoldmanAlright, can't sleep, and it's not like I have class tomorrow anyway. Not awake enough to do homework, so I figured I'd get some of the spinning ideas out of my head.
More and more it's becoming apparent that how I compartmentalize my life is getting thwarted. Online friends are calling me by my real name, people in real life read my livejournal, and my boss messages me on Facebook. I'll admit to some panic when I realized this was happening, because I think I've finally owned up to the fact I am a bit of a control freak. Not over people, though, but over the minutiae of my daily life, and how I process information. Because even when I'm slacking off, or my schedules are a mess and my room's a mess, I will make the time to stop and put it back where it needs to be once I'm in control of my time again.
So I've realized I just need to keep things in their piles again, on the internet at least. And I recently added a new blog to my feeds, and it popped up with this fun little article and it got me to thinking.
I think I do a decent job of keeping the personal as personal and professional as professional. It's one of my biggest fears that they should mix--not because I'm gay, actually, but more because I have always been a vigorous guardian of the personal/professional divide. I won't hide anything if confronted, and yeah, I'll walk into work in a costume if I know it's ok in a workplace (because hey, it's not always the case), but that still isn't toeing the line too much. Small companies have a certain degree of overlap, but I know in my company in particular it has to do with the fact most of the starter employees were all friends to begin with. I work with the kind of people that are willing to not get paid for a month and work overtime to keep the company going. It is personal to them, to some extent.
And really, work isn't my problem. Sure, my boss messages me on Facebook, but she's just trying to get ahold of me, and hey, it's a bit of a girl thing. I don't have anyone else friended there, though I would probably friend them back if they requested. But they haven't. And I'm really cool with that.
No, what has been gnawing at me lately are old friends, and those annoying high school busybodies. Separate groups that present separate things. I can deal with the latter better; just block them off from everything. But I have become more open lately (note the un-locked LJ, for starters), so even that may stop working. And old friends, well, I did disappear for several years, basically. I'd like to blame the ex for that, but it was by choice--it's very hard to start your own life in the same reference frame, I suppose. And back then, it was easy because hey, no contact. Shit, there was even a HUGE rumor I'd joined the CIA, because I managed to vanish so well.
But now, now that my stuff's together, I know that I should be maintaining my networks. Only the neat little boxes I put them in are getting mixed up. Part of it was laziness--I do like to write something every day, even if it's just "Aeromechanics is Cock"--and part of it was there has to be some centralization to socializing. Only reason I managed so many different social groups back in the day was because they were the same geographical local, and had schedules. Now? Schedules break down. I know like, two people in my actual geographical local I'd call friends. I'm not lonely, I'm just a control freak. I need to control the flow of data in my life. I need to roll my eyes at Ashley's next inane Big Cause (none of you know her, ha, and it's a pseudonym) and look at how everyone's spawning now (they are, and instead of being sad, I'm actually rather amused, this is FUN being the nonspawning type) and even read the titles of what is likely horrificness on![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
ff_press and occasionally brave a link once in a while.
The problem comes down to the fact that Cendri can say whatever she's thinking and feeling, but Liz still tends towards self-censorship.
I am not one of those people that are confused between my alias online and myself; I have always been me online. How I type is how I talk, any pictures you see of me are only staged inasmuch as taking a picture of yourself requires (unless cameras come to life and they can take candid shots of me). In fact, for a while I was more myself online than in real life. Not the case as much anymore, which I suppose is the crux of it. I have nothing left to hide, and yet. And yet.
It's the little things. Offhanded comments from one group or the other. I suppose that is always the problem of having a moderate (yet still firm) position on most things; you get to hear all the things that people say about each other out of ignorance or having differences. Like trying to explain to my mother that just because I write about the gay sometimes doesn't mean it's porn. Or trying to say delicately to an artist friend of mine that I'm not giving up my passions by being in a program aimed at a "real job", and that our struggles are ultimately the same.
No matter how many widgets I put on my igoogle page so that I can keep my Facebook, Twitter, LJ, and email in balance, there is still some part of me that someone will dislike and that I feel like minimizing in order that things keep out of conflict. I'll say something when pushed, but I don't push first, I suppose.
Also, I remember my first con, and how my friends there calling me 'Cendri' fit, and how at this last one everyone called me 'Liz' and it felt kind of... wrong. I mean, using a nickname instead of a fullname was like a rite of passage; up until puberty I insisted on 'Elizabeth' to the point of kicking people that tried any nicknames. Now I only use it to sign things and distance myself from people I don't care to know personally. But Cendri's a nickname too, from a username that was a bit more, well, pretentious. And it kind of feels more unique without being twee, because lord knows there are a crap ton of women with my name.
Ha, I'd originally intended to use this as a way to show off how centralized and mobile my shit is, and it turns into a discussion on identity. This is what happens when I write late. It gets away from me.
I suppose it's ironic that while I don't fit boxes well, I insist on keeping everything else in them. Hrm.
~Cendri
P.S. Dexter season 2... OMG HARRY YOU WHORE!
...Is it wrong that this statement means I like him more? Seriously.
More and more it's becoming apparent that how I compartmentalize my life is getting thwarted. Online friends are calling me by my real name, people in real life read my livejournal, and my boss messages me on Facebook. I'll admit to some panic when I realized this was happening, because I think I've finally owned up to the fact I am a bit of a control freak. Not over people, though, but over the minutiae of my daily life, and how I process information. Because even when I'm slacking off, or my schedules are a mess and my room's a mess, I will make the time to stop and put it back where it needs to be once I'm in control of my time again.
So I've realized I just need to keep things in their piles again, on the internet at least. And I recently added a new blog to my feeds, and it popped up with this fun little article and it got me to thinking.
I think I do a decent job of keeping the personal as personal and professional as professional. It's one of my biggest fears that they should mix--not because I'm gay, actually, but more because I have always been a vigorous guardian of the personal/professional divide. I won't hide anything if confronted, and yeah, I'll walk into work in a costume if I know it's ok in a workplace (because hey, it's not always the case), but that still isn't toeing the line too much. Small companies have a certain degree of overlap, but I know in my company in particular it has to do with the fact most of the starter employees were all friends to begin with. I work with the kind of people that are willing to not get paid for a month and work overtime to keep the company going. It is personal to them, to some extent.
And really, work isn't my problem. Sure, my boss messages me on Facebook, but she's just trying to get ahold of me, and hey, it's a bit of a girl thing. I don't have anyone else friended there, though I would probably friend them back if they requested. But they haven't. And I'm really cool with that.
No, what has been gnawing at me lately are old friends, and those annoying high school busybodies. Separate groups that present separate things. I can deal with the latter better; just block them off from everything. But I have become more open lately (note the un-locked LJ, for starters), so even that may stop working. And old friends, well, I did disappear for several years, basically. I'd like to blame the ex for that, but it was by choice--it's very hard to start your own life in the same reference frame, I suppose. And back then, it was easy because hey, no contact. Shit, there was even a HUGE rumor I'd joined the CIA, because I managed to vanish so well.
But now, now that my stuff's together, I know that I should be maintaining my networks. Only the neat little boxes I put them in are getting mixed up. Part of it was laziness--I do like to write something every day, even if it's just "Aeromechanics is Cock"--and part of it was there has to be some centralization to socializing. Only reason I managed so many different social groups back in the day was because they were the same geographical local, and had schedules. Now? Schedules break down. I know like, two people in my actual geographical local I'd call friends. I'm not lonely, I'm just a control freak. I need to control the flow of data in my life. I need to roll my eyes at Ashley's next inane Big Cause (none of you know her, ha, and it's a pseudonym) and look at how everyone's spawning now (they are, and instead of being sad, I'm actually rather amused, this is FUN being the nonspawning type) and even read the titles of what is likely horrificness on
ff_press and occasionally brave a link once in a while. The problem comes down to the fact that Cendri can say whatever she's thinking and feeling, but Liz still tends towards self-censorship.
I am not one of those people that are confused between my alias online and myself; I have always been me online. How I type is how I talk, any pictures you see of me are only staged inasmuch as taking a picture of yourself requires (unless cameras come to life and they can take candid shots of me). In fact, for a while I was more myself online than in real life. Not the case as much anymore, which I suppose is the crux of it. I have nothing left to hide, and yet. And yet.
It's the little things. Offhanded comments from one group or the other. I suppose that is always the problem of having a moderate (yet still firm) position on most things; you get to hear all the things that people say about each other out of ignorance or having differences. Like trying to explain to my mother that just because I write about the gay sometimes doesn't mean it's porn. Or trying to say delicately to an artist friend of mine that I'm not giving up my passions by being in a program aimed at a "real job", and that our struggles are ultimately the same.
No matter how many widgets I put on my igoogle page so that I can keep my Facebook, Twitter, LJ, and email in balance, there is still some part of me that someone will dislike and that I feel like minimizing in order that things keep out of conflict. I'll say something when pushed, but I don't push first, I suppose.
Also, I remember my first con, and how my friends there calling me 'Cendri' fit, and how at this last one everyone called me 'Liz' and it felt kind of... wrong. I mean, using a nickname instead of a fullname was like a rite of passage; up until puberty I insisted on 'Elizabeth' to the point of kicking people that tried any nicknames. Now I only use it to sign things and distance myself from people I don't care to know personally. But Cendri's a nickname too, from a username that was a bit more, well, pretentious. And it kind of feels more unique without being twee, because lord knows there are a crap ton of women with my name.
Ha, I'd originally intended to use this as a way to show off how centralized and mobile my shit is, and it turns into a discussion on identity. This is what happens when I write late. It gets away from me.
I suppose it's ironic that while I don't fit boxes well, I insist on keeping everything else in them. Hrm.
~Cendri
P.S. Dexter season 2... OMG HARRY YOU WHORE!
...Is it wrong that this statement means I like him more? Seriously.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 12:24 pm (UTC)This is why I will always like you -- I, uh, this resonates with me a lot.
I suffer a bit from the same type of thing, too: my online identity and real-life identity are blurring as I meet more and more of my online friends in real life.
And I've referred to myself IRL as "Sev" sometimes, because, y'know, it's not weird ENOUGH to talk about yourself in third person, let alone in third person using a stupid internet pseudonym.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 01:49 pm (UTC)Oh good, because you are just SEV in my head and I like that nickname on you. I hope you understand it's not me being delusional or anything.
And at least your moniker is not something dumb like Suede or anything (I'm making a Project Runway reference... he's a weird kid, that one).
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 01:57 pm (UTC)And that's my meta on names. XD
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 02:01 pm (UTC)I'm entirely too comfortable with different personas. Maybe that's why RP was so easy for me. XD
Yay, boxes!
Date: 2008-10-02 12:40 pm (UTC)I'm pretty different from you I suppose because I still endeavour to keep my boxes 100% seperate from each other. It actually makes me a little bit sad, sometimes, because I enjoy writing so much. Still, writing was a big taboo when I was growing up so I suppose that it's kind of ingrained by now. The very fact that I sometimes MENTION stories I'm working on in my lj unflitered is a big change for me, honestly.
The only exception I've ever had for that fandom-life/real-life rule was when I've met girls who I knew already had the same interests as me. My self-censure impulse is really high with everyone else.
I suppose that what I'm saying is that I see it as a luxury, having people who know everything that I do. It's nice to know that I can be scientist!TP and artsy!TP if I want to. Clearly I'm both, right? Truthfully, I sometimes envy the fact that you seem a little bit more comfortable hoping between boxes than I do.
And, if I sometimes call you, drak, or sabe by your first names, it's probably just the result of me having known you ladies for so long. In my head, at some point after you'd ladies had rescued me from yet another omg drama-llama moment in my life - or we'd had enough random conversations about not!fandom things - it just sort of slipped in that you could be cendri/liz in my head. But, I think I might understand how you feel. I really like my little moniker of T or TP. I suppose that I'd never really thought about the names we use for each other that much.
Also? Enjoy not having class. It sounds like you need a day off (or at least, a day not in lecture).
-T. pirate
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 01:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 01:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 01:58 pm (UTC)I tried to keep the internet and RL separate, but that only lasted so long, since everyone since the dawn of time has called me Jana online and in real life (irishais is a fucking mouthful.)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 02:14 pm (UTC)Then I started AIM chat with some chicks on a forum I was on (which included Drak, that's how we, ah, met, not through LJ, this was pre-LJ) and they were like, "OK we need to call you something".
And Drak went, "Cendri sounds like a good shortening, she seems cute."
Which is kind of funny, considering I was a lot less... well, I was mousier back then, online, because I was afraid of offending people. I didn't even curse.
But it did start as a mouthful. XD I'd have prolly shorted YOURS to Ais, just saying.
~Cendri
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 02:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 05:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-02 02:50 pm (UTC)General rule is I don't use anything but LJ for people I meet online in fandom, but even that is kind of changing...