Emerging from the Cocoon
May. 5th, 2010 03:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crankyoldmanOr something like that. I will admit that I have a very very weird relationships with Time Markers. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays... it's like the energy changes or something. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.
So yesterday was my birthday.
Now, many of you may have noticed that I kind of disappeared! Because I totally did. I stayed home from work (still DID work, just did it at home), turned off my phone, and only left my house to get some food. I only answered a few emails from select people.
You may be thinking, "wow, she must hate getting older!" Actually, no. I kind of love getting older. Maybe it's a naive assumption, but the older I get, the more chances I have for people to take me seriously. I have a real thing about proving myself, and really respect the weight of experience as opposed to simple intelligence. So no, getting older doesn't freak me out. I look forward to turning 30, 40, 50...
It's just that birthdays and holidays and the like tend to be markers for people to decide to contact me after so much allotted time. Old friends, old boyfriends, my ex-husband.
Note that I didn't say ex-girlfriends, because well, I don't have any. I've either got casual encounters or my current girlfriend. And I would love to keep this record.
Anyway, since my wonderful ex-husband decided to send me a bullshit message over Christmas after several years of complete blissful silence, I'm paranoid. I'm paranoid because I live back in the area where we met, and I know what kind of loser he is; he's probably still in town. If I'm lucky he's gone all unibomber and lives in Montana.
I'm paranoid because he doesn't have an easily accessible online presence, unlike other members of his family. And since I refuse to completely go underground on account of him (granted, he would have to do some digging to find this journal, and he's not tech savvy enough), it does make me a little nervous. I can't fix my paranoia by seeing that he's moved to Alaska or, god forbid, married someone else.
And I'm a little upset that I'm still afraid of him. It's almost been five years since we got married. I've gotten my shit together since then. I'm not a little ball of hate or some easily influenced girl anymore.
Anyway, I've disabled comments simply because I wanted to get that out, confess a little, I guess. I don't want a play by play or a rehash with anyone, or commiserate over things that may scare you too. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just wanted it out in words as a record, I guess. Words that can be read sometimes feel more real.
I still sometimes get scared, I still sometimes feel a crushing sort of claustrophobia when I'm alone. But it's lasting less and less time, and eventually it won't even happen at all.
Later: some more talk about science, or photography. XD
So yesterday was my birthday.
Now, many of you may have noticed that I kind of disappeared! Because I totally did. I stayed home from work (still DID work, just did it at home), turned off my phone, and only left my house to get some food. I only answered a few emails from select people.
You may be thinking, "wow, she must hate getting older!" Actually, no. I kind of love getting older. Maybe it's a naive assumption, but the older I get, the more chances I have for people to take me seriously. I have a real thing about proving myself, and really respect the weight of experience as opposed to simple intelligence. So no, getting older doesn't freak me out. I look forward to turning 30, 40, 50...
It's just that birthdays and holidays and the like tend to be markers for people to decide to contact me after so much allotted time. Old friends, old boyfriends, my ex-husband.
Note that I didn't say ex-girlfriends, because well, I don't have any. I've either got casual encounters or my current girlfriend. And I would love to keep this record.
Anyway, since my wonderful ex-husband decided to send me a bullshit message over Christmas after several years of complete blissful silence, I'm paranoid. I'm paranoid because I live back in the area where we met, and I know what kind of loser he is; he's probably still in town. If I'm lucky he's gone all unibomber and lives in Montana.
I'm paranoid because he doesn't have an easily accessible online presence, unlike other members of his family. And since I refuse to completely go underground on account of him (granted, he would have to do some digging to find this journal, and he's not tech savvy enough), it does make me a little nervous. I can't fix my paranoia by seeing that he's moved to Alaska or, god forbid, married someone else.
And I'm a little upset that I'm still afraid of him. It's almost been five years since we got married. I've gotten my shit together since then. I'm not a little ball of hate or some easily influenced girl anymore.
Anyway, I've disabled comments simply because I wanted to get that out, confess a little, I guess. I don't want a play by play or a rehash with anyone, or commiserate over things that may scare you too. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just wanted it out in words as a record, I guess. Words that can be read sometimes feel more real.
I still sometimes get scared, I still sometimes feel a crushing sort of claustrophobia when I'm alone. But it's lasting less and less time, and eventually it won't even happen at all.
Later: some more talk about science, or photography. XD