I Am the Late to the Party Gamer
Jul. 7th, 2010 04:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crankyoldmanSo, much has been said about gaming and community and the like in publications and on blogs, but with all the stuff I'm reading for lit reviews for grants, and my general state of mind lately, I'm going to mind dump some of my experiences here with the Gamerness and mostly its positive influences. This may be long, so feel free to skip over it.
This is mostly the fault of reading through this book for work. I still can't believe I get paid to read stuff like this, some days.
From an early age, I was on the track to be an ubergamer. My first experience with a computer was at age 3, and that Commodore 64 partly got me started on music, and it got me somewhat addicted to puzzles. Unfortunately, I somehow got the message; either because I was a "smart kid" or a girl, or whatever, I'm not sure which, that gaming was a waste of time. So I read books instead. Not a bad tradeoff, really.
Like right out of a stereotype, I really got into gaming because of a boy. In fact, I can say it's the only truly positive thing to come out of my relationship with said boy; because he was obsessed with RPGs, he wanted his girlfriend (and later wife) to be too. It's a real feature of the nerdy to want to assimilate people into their hobbies, and I desperately wanted to be included.
The internet, though, is what made it personal, what lets me play the way I want to play. He was drawn to RPGs because they let him be more powerful in a world where he was well, a loser. I really started to love them because it was something where I could obsess over details... and there were other people obsessing over them too!And also wondering why some of the characters were just so darn gay for each other.
If not for fandom communities, I would probably still be one of those nerdy girls that spent a lot of time trying not to be a girl, or at least that kind of girl--you know a "girly" girl that only cares about shoes (when I myself really did like shoes). The triple threat of what I was interested in going into professionally (engineering), who I hung out with (socially awkward boys), and my style of hobbying (getting really into something) was setting me on the track of being a Permanent Asshole.
Fandom made me challenge what was presented, as much as the sources themselves. It made me see the disconnect I felt with my female characters at first, and to read past the text. Like, being able to see past the male gaze that goes into the physical design and to see what awesome is underneath, while still challenging that male gaze (my favorite FF games correspond with my favorite female characters, for instance; hate the clothes, love the girls).
In the male spaces I had been introduced to, things like sexuality were only discussed in terms of thong bikinis and bad porn. In the new spaces I discovered there was no less bad porn, but it was all so different--from the players to the tone. Relationships were more than just subquests or gold sources; they could be the focus or the catalyst. They could be sexy or not.
People are no different in these spaces then they are in "real life" but having that small subject matter in common did wonders for connection. Confrontations were no less problematic, careless words no less hurtful, but suddenly the context made it more clear.
And one day, I realized I didn't care what some of the stupid boys said; their opinions didn't matter, they were no longer my friends, no longer people I was trying to impress. It's hard to train yourself out of that mindset, but I'm well on my way past that.
So, thanks gaming, for introducing me to people that were better influences, and especially people that were very different from me that still cared about the things I did. Thanks for letting me play as a boy, and as a girl, and basically everything in between.
It's a continuing journey on the Not An Asshole scale, but I'm glad it started at least.
Maybe someday I'll get actual twitch skills... doubtful. But I like the strategy-based stuff I do, and isn't it the enjoyment that matters?
This is mostly the fault of reading through this book for work. I still can't believe I get paid to read stuff like this, some days.
From an early age, I was on the track to be an ubergamer. My first experience with a computer was at age 3, and that Commodore 64 partly got me started on music, and it got me somewhat addicted to puzzles. Unfortunately, I somehow got the message; either because I was a "smart kid" or a girl, or whatever, I'm not sure which, that gaming was a waste of time. So I read books instead. Not a bad tradeoff, really.
Like right out of a stereotype, I really got into gaming because of a boy. In fact, I can say it's the only truly positive thing to come out of my relationship with said boy; because he was obsessed with RPGs, he wanted his girlfriend (and later wife) to be too. It's a real feature of the nerdy to want to assimilate people into their hobbies, and I desperately wanted to be included.
The internet, though, is what made it personal, what lets me play the way I want to play. He was drawn to RPGs because they let him be more powerful in a world where he was well, a loser. I really started to love them because it was something where I could obsess over details... and there were other people obsessing over them too!
If not for fandom communities, I would probably still be one of those nerdy girls that spent a lot of time trying not to be a girl, or at least that kind of girl--you know a "girly" girl that only cares about shoes (when I myself really did like shoes). The triple threat of what I was interested in going into professionally (engineering), who I hung out with (socially awkward boys), and my style of hobbying (getting really into something) was setting me on the track of being a Permanent Asshole.
Fandom made me challenge what was presented, as much as the sources themselves. It made me see the disconnect I felt with my female characters at first, and to read past the text. Like, being able to see past the male gaze that goes into the physical design and to see what awesome is underneath, while still challenging that male gaze (my favorite FF games correspond with my favorite female characters, for instance; hate the clothes, love the girls).
In the male spaces I had been introduced to, things like sexuality were only discussed in terms of thong bikinis and bad porn. In the new spaces I discovered there was no less bad porn, but it was all so different--from the players to the tone. Relationships were more than just subquests or gold sources; they could be the focus or the catalyst. They could be sexy or not.
People are no different in these spaces then they are in "real life" but having that small subject matter in common did wonders for connection. Confrontations were no less problematic, careless words no less hurtful, but suddenly the context made it more clear.
And one day, I realized I didn't care what some of the stupid boys said; their opinions didn't matter, they were no longer my friends, no longer people I was trying to impress. It's hard to train yourself out of that mindset, but I'm well on my way past that.
So, thanks gaming, for introducing me to people that were better influences, and especially people that were very different from me that still cared about the things I did. Thanks for letting me play as a boy, and as a girl, and basically everything in between.
It's a continuing journey on the Not An Asshole scale, but I'm glad it started at least.
Maybe someday I'll get actual twitch skills... doubtful. But I like the strategy-based stuff I do, and isn't it the enjoyment that matters?
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-11 03:43 am (UTC)