Semi-Spiritualistic Ramble Thing

[crankyoldman]

I'm a very ritualistic person.

I suppose that goes without saying, considering how many lists I make and things like that, but I had to stop today and realize just how far it's all gotten. It's a good thing, really. Aimless drifting is only a temporary state, even hardcore travelers have to sit down eventually.

Maybe it's the fact I've had Mushi-shi on in the background all day that's gotten me thinking.



I'm not a naturally organized person. In fact, if given half a chance I'll let everything go to chaos. My family likes to act all shocked that I do keep my room pretty clean these days--I was the kid whose floor couldn't be seen, with all the junk laying around. But every year of college I've become more and more deliberate. I also used to be the type to sleep in all the time. While I do that occasionally, and getting up is still always a bit of a chore, I don't do the thing that I did Freshman year where I'd wake up and it was dark outside... because I'd slept all day.

Now I don't sleep any later than 10 am on a weekend, unless I'm sick or was out far too late. Sometimes I wake up earlier. One of the benefits of an east-facing room is the sunlight likes to smack me in the face and help me get up.

I wonder if it's silly sometimes, getting so caught up in the ritual of living. Some of it is like things my great-grandma used to tell me about. Like how now that I'm not sick, I washed all my clothes, my sheets, swept the floor, washed the windows, wiped down EVERYTHING... and I'm about to sprinkle a little salt in the corners of the room and brush out the last of the "bad energy" so to speak, soon as I'm done with the dishes. It may seem silly, how dedicated to cleaning up so soon after getting sick I am, but I won't feel really well until the last of it is done. Even the music I pick to play (or show I have playing... Mushi-shi has very calm and atmospheric music) is very deliberate.

As much of an Air person as I am (and I am, I think the fact that it's so windy here is half the reason I haven't combusted completely some days) I was born under an Earth sign. I guess my little domesticities are what helps me out some days. My room in some ways is a sacred space, and I like to keep it that way. My sister and I are both a bit introverted, we need somewhere to retreat away from people for mental health and otherwise. I think half the reason I got so down when I was first married was I no longer had a space that was mine--similarly when I had to share a room with someone for my first two years of college. When I finally got into a living situation where I had a room to myself, that's when I started to feel like myself again, even if that was even a slow process. I don't think I could ever share a room again, and give up my sacred space. I'm clearly not built for the traditional idea of marriage or anything like that. XD

I read lots of productivity related stuff because it's kind of like reading other people's rituals. And I love evolving. It's the most exciting thing about growing up, to me, is moving forward. It's why school breaks my heart sometimes--I like learning a lot, and its focus isn't always that. I'm a bad student because I've never cared for advancement, or rewards. I like projects because I like being IN the project, not necessarily what I make. I think that's why most of the things I make I end up giving away; the end result doesn't matter as much as the fact I sat down to make it.

A lot of the productivity things suggest delegating out chores, and I'll admit it's tempting for some things--like dishes. I hate doing dishes. But I think now that I've really started to appreciate really random shit like sweeping the floor, I almost feel sad that some people do that. We're all rushing around so much, to save time, but to save time for what? I know what I like to save time for. Reading. Making things. Sometimes just sitting and enjoying the quiet for a while. I manage time so that I can, in the modern day's eye, waste it. Hell, I set aside a lunch hour so I can actually sit down and eat in peace. Yeah. I guess it's peace that I'm looking for.

When I stopped looking for completion, I found peace. Odd, huh? I guess that's what gets me about afterlife-driven types of spirituality; when you spend all your time thinking that life is a test, a punishment, how can you have half a mind to just sit and enjoy something? Why is the world so beautiful if it's only there for things to come?

Clearly, this means I need to get to writing or my lab report or something sometime today. Or not. Maybe I'll just enjoy it, even if it's grey and chilly out. Maybe my getting sick was a reminder I hadn't sat down for a while, and just let things happen. Who knows.

~Cendri

P.S. Hulu.com has every episode of Mushi-shi on it if you'd like to take a look. I recommend it highly.

Comments

[astralavator.livejournal.com]

Well, in the old days if you were rich enough people didn’t share rooms. It’s amusing as I’ve shared a room most of my life so I don’t have to have a stable point for quiet. Then in college the first time I had a room to myself there were times in there when as if the rest of the world had dropped away.


I'm glad your feeling better.

[lassarina]

What an interesting post. :) I've noticed that I'm a lot more serene since I moved out of my old apartment (five people/2500 sq ft, not small by any means but I spent almost all my time confined to a 12x13 room that contained ALL MY STUFF) and into one that's all mine. My bedroom is still a mess, because I haven't fully unpacked it yet, but my kitchen stays relatively clean (alright, that one is mostly the boy's doing) and my living room is always tidy. Books are on their shelves, the controllers are inside the coffee table, the games and DVDs are put away in their spaces, and the entire thing is open and clear and peaceful to me. It's pretty awesome.

Although I do need to do some cleansing/sacred space creation, which I"ve just not done yet.

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

There is something about having your own space, an area you know is entirely 100% yours. I honestly think part of the reason I was having such a hard time last semester was that I still felt like "a guest in Jeff's house", rather than being able to consider it "our house". You need to be able to own a little bit of wherever you are.

I am also not a roommate person. I'm amazed I've been able to put up with Jeff this long (I guess that's a good sign?) because I do not Live Well With Others.